To the person who broke my heart
To the person who made me change my ways
To the person who killed me
To the person who promised
To the person who lied
To the person who took my life
To the person who was selfish
To the person who turned me into a monster
To the person who made me hate God
To the person who made me hate everything
To the person who thinks of me as a waste
To the person who took my love for granted
To the person who made me believe
To the person who I trusted
To the person who made me hate life
To the person I never thought will be my downfall
To the person who wants someone else
To the person who loves someone else
To the person who needs someone else
To the person who is plain numb
To the person who turned around
I am not a writer or a poet. But this is for you and for the people who doesn’t understand.
Emptiness wasn’t always the problem. But it is now. Brokenness is too.
I am miserable. My life is just down the hill. You’ve made me the most worthless person anyone would want or need. You left pieces of me scatterd at the floor, the pieces are not even close to eachother. They are a thousand miles apart, which is impossible to glue back together. I don’t regret anything because you made me the happiest person, even when our relationship was at its weakest. My greatest fear was to lose you. Now you’re gone, and I’m afraid of everything. You made me lose my ways when you left. When you left, you weren’t there anymore. It was like I never meant anything to you. Yes, every night I cry myself to sleep. I wake up at the middle of the night because I dream of you. And I fall asleep crying my eyes out. I always wish I would never wake up, but when morning comes, I wake up. I’ve been going through a cycle while you’re having the best time of your life being free, talking to people like it’s heaven to not have me. Maybe there’s a “he” now.
He who makes you smile like I used to
He who makes you laugh like I used to
He who makes you feel okay like I used to
He who goes with you to the places you wanted like I used to
He who do things you want like I used to
He who sends you long messages like I used to
He who sends you hugs and kisses like I used to
He who brings you flowers or gifts like I used to
He who picks you up like I used to
He who brings you back like I used to
He who holds your hand like I used to
He who will carry your things like I used to
He who will kiss you like I used to
He who will hug you like I used to
He who will stay at the danger zone while crossing like I used to
He who will comfort you when something went wrong like I used to
He who will come back for you because you are crying like I used to
He who would love to spend the entire day with you like I used to
He who will do anything for you, if not, will try like I used to
He who will take you out for lunch, dinner, or breakfast like I used to
He who will go to you even just for 30 minutes just to spend time with you like I used to
He who stays up with you like i used to
He who stays on the phone with you like I used to
He who skypes with you the whole night like I used to
He who will give you spontaneous kisses like I used to
I used to do those things with you. You loved it. The difference is, I am a girl. And I wish I was a guy. But I can never change that. Even if I did, you will still see me as your ex girlfriend. And with him, there will be other things you will do that we didn’t.
I was selfish because I wanted you all to myself. I wanted you to love me the way you did when you asked me the very first time if I will ever love you. The thing is, I did, I do. More than anything, my life. I treated you like family. Yes, i get out of hand at times because there are some things that I couldn’t control, but I did my best to. Most importantly, you were my better half. You may ask where did the other half go. It’s gone. Nothing left.
Your reason was God. But I know there’s more. I am mad. I lost myself. And no one can fix this. Not even you.
This is for the person who I thought was the love of my life. I am the hopeless romantic kind, which makes me think and feel that it is still you. But you pushed me away. Maybe your friends tell you to ignore me because I’m not worth your time anymore, okay. Granted that I don’t have the right anymore, you know me better than they do. Or I guess not. Granted your love was real, why didn’you fight? Don’t answer that. You never considered my love, our love.
Hearing from people that I will never be good enough for a girl. For you. Because I am not a man. I am a fake boy who will never give you the satisfaction a man can give. I am the wrong in you your life. Hearing from you that we will never be, oh just kill me.
This is the most painful thing anyone has done to me.
Me who got left behind
Me who was lead on
Me who got fooled
Me who is worthless
Me who heard you say it was wrong
Me who loved too much because I knew you deserved it
Me who failed myself
Me who failed everybody
Me who begged
Me who never gave up on you
Me who fought
Me who didn’t have any options
Me who just wanted you to fight
Me who can love you endlessly
Me who needs you
Me who wants you
Me who will do anything
Me who can take care of you
Me who can fight for you
Me who lost half of my life because ever since grade school, it was you
Everyone is saying that it’s just time. I’ll get over it. Move on. Stop. Everyday I always think of killing myself, the missing piece is the ‘do’ part.
Don’t you think I want to stop it? The pain. Everything? Why do you think I think of ending my life?
No one will even understand or know what I feel. Because I don’t even understand. People say things just to make me feel better. I know they are trying, thank you. But nothing worked, nothing will.
You say have faith? Ask for grace? Pray?
I don’t have faith anymore. I stopped praying.
Most of you will say I am pathetic, stupid, insane. I will not disagree. Because you are right. I am pathetic.
To the people who read this, I am sure you have something to say. You found a hole where in you think there’s another way or hope or something. Just don’t.
I gave up on myself long before I knew it.